textured

does absence make the heart grow fonder? its been a while. here i am, procrastinating, pretending, sitting, waiting, watching the activities that go on outside of the window all the time munching on cheddar cheese crackers that i dont even like, that taste like last week. i will die if i have to work through the notes littered all over my room one more time. funny how stress murders all motivation, despite and in spite of. i am dissatisfied with the stash of songs i downloaded. it is too restless a day to enjoy anything vaguely of substance.the massive, crippling, consuming weight of inertia. i cant do. i cant deal. i cant write, not knowing what i feel but i cant stop. i am contemplating disappearing.

it has been a good weekend- so much so that the onset of sunday night brings inevitable dread, loneliness, desperation. random snippets of conversation float into mind- it is so much better to have a surname that starts with "m", for fairness's sake. we will marry good. topped with too much good food, and the inability to concentrate on anything that "truly matters". tucking you in both at night and in the mornings- now that i have never done to anyone.

1) your voice on the phone is much better than any summer day;
2) i'll give anything for those 10minutes with you again, under the sky laden with too many shades of grey, the only thing preventing its collapse into sheets of rain-
it is me, holding the sky up with my adoration, my optimism.
3) it is foolish, i know. but i cant help it.
4) i removed all pictures of myself, of us from your phone. you probably will lose that memory, with nothing to remind you.
5) you cant wink to save your life but you practice on me anyway;
6) i am your friend though
7) you are not committed to our friendship